5 Things To Do With Fruitcake, Arguably The Worst Food Ever Invented


Fruitcake is fucking disgusting. Every year around this time, it adorns store shelves as some sort of offering to the hostess for your upcoming Hanukkah/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Festivus party. As if she wants it. Shes probably going to use this brick of a pastry as a doorstop to air out the house after everyone fucking leaves.

Because we cant bear the thought of stomaching this shit right out of the box, weve come up with some ingenious ideas for repurposing this awful treat without just putting it straight in the garbage where it belongs.

1. Make French toast or bread pudding

Hear me out: We all know it tastes awful, but soaking it in custard, frying it, and covering it in maple syrup and powdered sugar may help dull the taste, no? Even better, make the evening version of French toastbread puddingand serve it to your Christmas guests. Everyone will think youre so festive, and theyll all agree youre the hostess with the mostest. Plus, it works even better if the fruitcake is stale, which, of course it is.

2. Turn it into stuffing

So Aunt Denise gifted you with a 10 lb box of fruitcake. Why not use it to spitefully stuff whatever meat you plan to serve for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa dinner? Using some stale-ish fruitcake, take your classic stuffing recipe and replace half of the bread (or a quarter) with the fruitcake and prepare as usual. So much ingenuity, even Martha would be proud.

3. Serve it for breakfast

If you have limited culinary talent, slice up a bit of the fruitcake, toast it, and slather with something like butter or Nutella. Honestly, anything to cover up the regular taste is going to help a lot.

4. Use it for fondue

Like we said, fruitcake coated in anything other than more fruitcake is delicious. Cut it up and use it as a dipper for your New Years Eve fondue party. Itll fit right in with all the fresh fruit and other leftover shit thats better off coated in molten chocolate.

5. Soak in alcohol, light on fire

If you just cant fucking bear to look at it anymore.